The Normalization Of Singlehood In Your 30s
I think this is a good thing. Finally more women are speaking up about this.
There’s a new creator on Instagram called The Rules of 30.
I immediately fell in love with this creator. The page is owned by Amanda, a thirty-something-year-old woman who hasn’t, “achieved,” the big 3. She refers to the big 3 as:
Marriage
Kids
House
We were all taught we should have these things by the time we enter our 30s. If you don’t agree with that statement, I invite you to really think about your life and the lives of the women around you. Did all of your friends start to plan their weddings at 29? When you were 28, did some of your girlfriends start bemoaning about never being able to own a home? At every hangout, were you and your friends complaining about how terrible dating apps are to find relationships? Have you ever heard your friend who’s in a terrible relationship state she doesn’t want to start over? Yeah, it’s because everyone is feeling the pressure of the timeline.
If you’re a woman who wants children, but is single at 31, the future can seem daunting. You’re running out of time. First you have to find a healthy relationship, then you have to be in the relationship for a significant amount of time, then you can start planning for kids. By that time you might be 35 or 36—maybe even approaching 40. Can you even have kids by then? The anxiety.
The pressure is all around us. You notice it the moment someone asks you,
“So when are you getting married?”
That’s when it hits you. Am I supposed to move on to the next chapter of my life? What if I’m not ready? What if I can’t? What if I don’t have it all together?
Amanda addresses all of these concerns with her followers. In her late 20s, she left a longterm relationship. She moved back in with her mother. She was essentially starting over.
I appreciate how candid she’s been about the very real feelings we have when our friends get engaged or purchase their own home. We feel left behind. We feel jealous. We feel guilty about being jealous. We panic. No one outlines how much friendships splinter when you reach your thirties.
A few of my friends have expressed fear:
What if I don’t have the spouse or the career? What if I have nothing?
I’ve heard this concern from more than one of my girlfriends. I’m happy to report that the cultural attitudes around the big 3 are changing.
Most of us can’t afford a house even if we have a spouse. Definitely not without forfeiting traveling, dinner dates with friends, and the occasional luxury purchase. What about all the things you want to try? That cooking class, pottery class, or dance class might not be in the budget if you’re saving for a down payment.
The reality is, there’s just more options.
Could you lower your standards, get on the apps and find a husband right now? Probably. I’m willing to put money on the fact that you could.
We’re moving into an era where being single in your 30s isn’t shocking. It’s not something to be depressed about. Some friends are married, some with kids, some are divorced, and some are single. That’s going to be more and more normal.
At a certain point, we will find a way to manage our friendships with people who are at different life stages than us. We’ll find the balance.
The big 3 will no longer be seen as an achievement, it’ll just be something some people do and some people don’t.
Freezing eggs may become more normal and accessible in the years to come. I’m willing to bet it will, given how many people are getting married later.
My therapist recently pointed out to me that it seems like I have a sense of urgency when trying to find someone to date. She’s asked me to dive into why that is.
I think we all have that.
Especially those of us who have not had a serious relationship in their adult life. There are a lot of thirty-somethings who have never had a serious relationship. Let’s normalize that. Let’s normalize that everyone is on a different timeline. No one should be ostracized for it.
My timeline included being featured in an online magazine yesterday. I’ve been to 7 countries. My timeline isn’t something to shit on.
However the urgency is still there.
I just want a boyfriend before I die! Is that too much to ask?!
But in all seriousness, the third decade doesn’t look the same for everyone. Especially nowadays. We can relocate more than ever before. Discrepancies in income are vast in this day and age. Some people’s dating app algorithm worked and others got a goose egg.
I’m glad more and more women are highlighting their single lives.
They should be celebrated too.